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Daha küçücüktü ve minnacık
Elleri bogum bogum, yanakları sıcacık
Hayatıma girdi o ufacık gözleri ve
tatlı bakışlarıyla
Çıkamadım evden öpmeden onu
Bırakamadım o mis kokuyu
Daha 14 günlüktü kucağıma alıp kaybettiğimde
Daha küçücüktü peşinden bakakaldığımda
Daha minnacıktı tatlı tatlı uyurken
ve ellerimin arasından kayıp giderken.

My Brand New Life with Almila

Life is very surprising that you cannot guess what you are expected to encounter. The times I remember in my life are the times that have some spots on it. I spent such a very enjoyable childhood that everybody says I was so spoiled. Then I started school and after high school marathon university years knocked my door. I half heartedly went to Erzurum and registered to Ataturk University English Language and Literature Department. Before I went there, i was so hopeless as it was in Erzurum and it was so far to my city where I live, where I have everything; my family, friends, life. I did not know I were going to meet my future life there. I found Yasemin in Erzurum and now I am married her with a child named Almila. She is vey cute, very helpless. She needs us. So many people think a baby is nothing without the parents but I think parents are nothing without the baby. A baby is eveything of a family. She has became the center of our family, I have not thought that I would miss her but I do. I love her, I miss her, I need her. I thank my dear wife Yasemin for granting me such a worthless present which you cannot change for anything.

L I F E ?

WHAT ARE WE LIVING FOR?

I GUESS THIS IS THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION OF WHY WE STRUGGLE IN LIFE AND I DO NOT SUPPOSE NOBODY CAN ANSWER THIS. YESTERDAY, I WAS TALKING WITH MY STUDENT ABOUT LIFE AND ABSTRACT METAPHORS. WE WERE TRYING TO PRACTISE "IF CLAUSE" AND HE ASKED ME THE QUESTION ABOVE. ALTHOUGH I SAID SO MANY THINGS, I DO NOT BELIEVE I WAS ABLE ANSWER IT PROPERLY.

Life is Good if...

İçinizde
Bu üç şeyi taşıyorsanız hayat güzeldir. Köy sakinleri yağmur duasına çıkmışlardı. Bütün köy ahalisi toplanmıştı. İçlerinde sadece birinde şemsiye vardı. Bu İNANÇ tır.

Babalar bebeklerini havaya hoplatır, çocuklar gülmekten bayılır. Yere düşebileceklerini akıllarına bile getirmezler. Çünkü babaları onları tutacaktır. Bu GÜVEN dir.

Yatağa girerken yarın uyanıp yaşamaya yaşamaya devam edeceğimize dair teminatımız yoktur. Ana yine de yarına dair planlar yaparız. Bu ÜMİT tir.
Ve bu üçü varsa hayatınız güzeldir...

Üstün DÖKMEN

ONU GÖRDÜM

BUGÜN AYNAYA BAKTIĞIMDA GENE ONU GÖRDÜM
O TANIMADIĞIM TANIYAMADIĞIM KENDİMİ
ACABA AYNALAR MI YALANCIYDI
YA DA SENİ ARAYAN GÖZLERİM Mİ
BİLMİYORUM
KİMDİ BU KARŞIMDAKİ KİM?
NE OLMUŞTU IŞIK SAÇAN GÖZLERE
GÜLÜMSEYEN YÜZLERE,
O GÜZELİM GENÇLİĞE
YOKSA ZAMAN DENİLEN MEL-UN MUYDU BANA UĞRAYAN
SAÇLARIMI YÜZÜMÜ AĞIRTIP
SENİ BENDEN AYIRAN
YAHUT HAYAT DENİLEN ZALİM MİYDİ?

BENİ DE SENİN GİBİ YAVAŞ YAVAŞ ÖLDÜREN

!!!!!!!!! I AM BACK !!!!!!!!!!!

I have not been here for about four months i think. i know there is no way to explain why i have not written posted anything from then on but you know life is hard and we are getting used catch up with it. Well, i had my KPSS exam and my score which is 69.889 is awful for me cause it is nothing but nothing i cannot do anything with it. However, some ignoble jack ass people cheated in the exam and it was invalidated so i am having an new half KPSS exam in an unknown date. Anyway, I hope I can be around here and study this fucking exam. takes care I LOVE YOU

Living but cannot loving in Istanbul

Here is my quote;

 Always try to be friend with whom that tries to be friend but never insist on keeping on it.

I sometimes wonder who I am or what I should do.

I have now understood the meaning of the "blue".

If I am blue so I can be ice, too. Right ?

I am an alone community who fight against my own cruelity to save the life in me ever since I have lost my beliefs and self-confidence. I was wrong on so many things. Everything was seen me as Istanbul that hundreds or even millions of kings and soldiers died or were killed for the sake of conquering this superb city, I should be like Istanbul to be conguered for the sake of me. I try to renew myself and there will not be any places for females.

I go to work by bus and it takes maximum 15 minutes but three days ago i decided to walk home and then I did it. I was so stupid that i could not noticed this beauty before, there is a perfect view and although I have passed over it for at least 20 years i couldnt understand how beautiful it is. And these days if it is not so cold, I walk home it takes 50 minutes but it can make me so happy. Hearing the voices of the nature again gives me pleasure, and i will never try to forget my past as whaever it is it is mine, I will try to live with it.

I DO NOT WANNA LIVE IN A HOUSE WHICH HAS GOT A ROOF ALTHOUGH IT DOES NOT OWN WALLS, PLS.

One day, Everything will come to an end, we cannot change this but when it happens so early, we perish ourselves or I think we do.

I know that I have a few readers but I have no other people to talk here as so many of them are far away from here or work abroad. I laugh at me because paradoxically even tough I always want to be alone, I am not happy although I am on my own now and I am blue. I do not like myself when I am blue.

It is very easy for me  to charge life with my own faults and I can blame it but I must face with my life and its results and I should not complain because I can hold up these as an example for the rest of my life lest I will perish myself.

There will not be any other excuses or begging for staying together or to be together forever since as it said ,typically, let him\her go and wait to see if s\he comes back. I am tired of being sorry.

There will be no tears anymore.

Goodluck Muammer

We could not manage to be the two parts of an apple.

VIVA LA DIFFERENCE !!!!!!'!

LİFE IS ACTUALLY SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE THIS SWEET FLOWER BUT ALSO IT IS SO COMPLICATED AND HARD TO SHOULDER.

Success Follows the Perseverance

It is generally known that only the success is remembered by others but what about the rest or the path that lead us to success? I always repeat and repeat this motto "First, i should believe in myself for doing anything even if it is a cup of tea for me. Then success comes. SUCCESS is the final destination of the considered work. Why do not we give our ears to learn something from Thomas EDISON? He had failed many and many times before we invented the bulp

but he did not give up and so we can lighten up our homes and the world.

HERE we have question : what would we do, if he given up? Maybe someone else could find another solution but s/he might do neither !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think, being determined and having perseverance are the most important keys to success. Without it everything would be very hard.

We have to lean over this topic; we should be persevering.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE BECOME MORE SUCCESSFUL?

Being successful is so important in everybody`s life, i think. Everybody wants to be awarded and respected but there is a problem here nobody struggles enough to have it, they just want. Yeah,

Having some courses besides American studies is also great chance for us because they motivate us to be more successful. As a student and also a teacher, i would like to have some courses on literature, drama and art of photography. The reasons are these; literature is a different way of life and it gives pleasure to me while reading a novel or enjoying a poem. Literature is very interesting and has different things because you can know and discover new cultures, new people and new places inside of you with the help of writers, poets and composers. Let ` s think about a place that you have never been. İs it so important to have been there before? İ think it is not because you can use your imagination to create your own world inside of your mind via literature. Literature enfranchises you whatever you need to imagine what you want. The Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter series by J. R. R. Tolkien and J.K. Rowling are the most contemporary and best examples because in both books we encounter very different worlds that have ever been created. For those reason i wanna have literature courses.

And drama… I always ask this question to myself; what is drama? İs it a reflection of the life and world or is it a simple play that is invented to deceive ourselves. İ think drama is a perfect platform to imitate the life that we actually do not have. I believe in this “if i do not mock the life, by hook or crook it mocks me so i wanna take the control of life instead of letting it take the control of my life. As it is said that “Life is a hysterical desire   desired hysterically” by ZIVA. “Let's Play Pretend... and Act Like It Goes Naturally.” by Seyma T. EROL. So we play a game in a game i think drama course will be very helpfull to teach me how to act in this game.

And my love: art of photography. When i look back the past in which people could not have any chance to take the screen what exactly is. No matter how many times they have tried, they could not reflect the passion and the dreams or the reality that they witness but now we are able to show every single details of life; a bird feeding its infant or a cloud while snowing in a charming style. I wanna be like a mirror for reflecting life from my point of view.

Herewith, the answer of the question of why some people are more successful is so simple because they are sure about what they want and desire so they are successful.

I`M a GRAVE MAN

"And this is my grave,

I cannot reach or see you because of my language that i actually dont know but i think i know, and what`s more i`m losing you that`s why i not only curse but also wanna kill myself and break into pieces as i am rubbishy and clumsy. The things which i hold go away from my hands i am not able to grap them while they are running and flying away. There is nothing that i may catch and never give up." says ZIVA and so i often no nooo...  i always think over this brain draining considering its excuses. WHY... and  HOW...

Now that i write about ZIVA`s words so you can think that i am supposed to go on with ZIVA and brain drain but nooo the virtual subject for today is the literature itself and ,one way or another, its acquisitions but  the subjects are ZIVA and his words when you deeply think on it.

THE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESSconsciousnessCONSCIOUSNESS.

Yeah , i am in that bullshit technique, it(?) takes a lot to concentrate on something or to build up my mind. However it takes, it happens and i am not aware of it and the biggest problem is that i am not accustomed to setting them alone or free. Not only did i lose my mind but also i lost my CONSCIOUSNESS, i will no longer work on that or no longer will i work on that. What is this mo`her fucking technique?

Even though i realise that that is not stream of ...  . Ok  i know  i often change my mind, my ideas, this can be a different thing. On the contrary it cannot be changed neither.

I talk and write nonsense and nonsense. These are the two important questions; WHY  and HOW.  Those guys  are the ones which form my life and destroy my inner world. I have never been such a guy who hates everything and think that of being a useless man but here i am and i do exist with all my breath, i am being impatient and poor.

YAGMUR i always try to follow your writings. What a nice sentence you use; the life what you want and the life what is forced to be lived by. It consists of three things HOME for sleeping and sheltering yourself, WIFE for having sex and pleasure yourself and also giving birth for the poor generation of future and MONEY for eating and buying without giving importance the rest.

I dont want such kinda life on my shoulder. I am in need of a girl who cares me and our children with passion and love but of course with loyality i need a girl who wants me to take her to dinner i mean i hate a life which is done for doing it

I THANK YOU MY GOD and I THANK YOU for your mercy and blessing.

I beg for your PARDON i am sorry for forgetting you. what a shame !!!!!

I forgot you. yes i confess. i forgot you.

But now i understand i realize again and again that the real cure is you, i do not need anybody but you.

I WANT YOUR MERCY in the front of  those ...

Go ahead for the weird ambiguity

Well ... i do not know what to say but so many things happen around me and the most painful thing is that i cannot do anything to change them. There is nothing to do, actually there are so many things , tasks, duties or missions but which is mine? I cannot be sure what i should do to  manage. Everybody says me this is for you, somebody says that my teacher "you are perfect, you can do everything so many of those people ask for your class to attend. However, unfoutunately, although they (students) really want me, the managers suck my blood and knowledge.

The World is unfair; it is very easy to blame on the earth; the lifeless thing but they are the people, human beings make the world like that; cruel, unfair, brutal.

Please dont think that i am complaing about my life but please  make empathy and try to understand me. My family gives me their support, they back me but they also expect something from their university graduated and working son yet i cannot back up them. This hurts me so much. \

Actually i dont wanna be a teacher at least in a primary school for not forgetting my second body, my second individual, my second language. I have to work at two jobs for earning good money for myself for my family and for... OF COURSE life life life life   but how PLS SOMEBODY says me how i am able to manage a good life ?

I am aware that i am the modern slave of the recent slavery system; capitalism and i can do nothing to change this situation

There are so many exams to hold LGS OSS YDS KPDS UDS KPSS and so on i have a diploma i have degree but i am not paid in the same rate despite the fact that i work hard and i am better than the old, jaded, disregarded teachers.

Anyway i do not wanna write my problems on life anymore, some good things are also happening in my life.

At last friday of the last week of my boring life in that uncertain world, i had my toefl exam, it was not so difficult  i mean it is as easy as solving a boring english exam i think if u give necessary importance you can easily pass this fucking exam but i have to add this information about toefl, the reading passages are really hard to solve if you do not know enough words. And now i am waiting a good remark.

Wait a minute guys, this exam marathone has not ended yet because i have UDS exam next week. PLS pray for me and yasemin. I really need a good job for both marrying and providing lifes to me and my family. IS the goverment job good of not enough but it is safe and makes you relax.

I am JUST a big,clumsy and amateur

Which one WOULD YOU want to be? The girl whose life is danger or the bear that tries to keep its environment away from the most cruelest creature on the earth?

I just wanna go back to nature to listen myself.

I say that i am an amateur because i am in a dilemma and i am experiencing a dejavu. I think that i have already written all those things but i cannot properly remember.

NEW YORK NEW YORK

I finished my application  for you New York,

I made my mind  for you New York,

I wanna reach YOU New York,

I escape from me  for you New York.

Here is the chance to touch you again New York,

Here is the determination to desire you New York,

Here is the strong wisdom and struggle for you New York,

Here is the sounds that call me to you New York.

There it is; californication,

There they are; new yorkers,

There he is; highlanders in NC,

There she is; the liberty lady.

I wanna feel passion
I wanna keep my heart alive and full of hope
FOR YOU NEW YORK