Fake Sounds and Dreams

Today Actually, tonight is my first attempt to escape from my jail, the little prison that my family and I have created. I am not happy, and this time I know why!!!!!!!!!! The only thing that I want is to listen to the sound of silence and the smell of the wind. I want to feel hot and cold, but they don't let me do it, and unless I react, they are not going to let me. I was reading my friends' blogs (thanks, Şeyma and Yağmur). Their writings help me understand my own profession. I am not made to be a simple primary school teacher. I reject that. I want to produce and cultivate the seeds of knowledge. Sometimes I think, even when I am at work and having my class, "What am I doing here? Why am I here? Am I in the right place?" I want to leave this place and release my soul, but, but, but ??????? What about the family!!!! What about my father and mother!!!!!!! These two holy and noble people. As time passes, they cannot resist nature and are getting older and older, so they ask so many things of you. It is very difficult to make your dreams come true when you are crushed between your dreams, ideas, and family. But life, however difficult it may be, is not impossible. Yes, I believe in GOD. There He is. God is everywhere, but I believe in the Devil and demons as well. It is a fact that GOD did not create evil, but He created demons, the Devil, and us—the greedy human race. There is no fair sharing. There are so many illegal and unjust things on Earth, so darkness is created by mankind. I don't really know why I am writing these things. Although I want to return to HIM, I don't feel quiet or relaxed here. He is so close to me, but I can't feel Him, and I am nowhere to be found. I sometimes miss My Dear. I search for my cure in her, but in vain. She is not with me in these moments. Unfortunately, she is not. I am an English teacher, and everywhere I work, live, and walk is full of female creatures. I can't be deaf or blind. I have to communicate with them without giving in to any temptation........... Anyway, never mind it. I changed my words. I think I am ambivalent and double-minded, but I know what friendship is. I really know it. Sertab Erener is a very good singer. I don't have particular people or groups that I listen to. I listen to whatever is good for me. These words are very nice: "ASK SENI BULABILIRDE MESAFE KOYABILIRDE ONU SANA KATIYOR DERKEN TUZAKLAR KURABILIRDE." I don't want to write it in English. I don't want to destroy its soul.