Go ahead for the weird ambiguity

Well ... i do not know what to say but so many things happen around me and the most painful thing is that i cannot do anything to change them. There is nothing to do, actually there are so many things , tasks, duties or missions but which is mine? I cannot be sure what i should do to  manage. Everybody says me this is for you, somebody says that my teacher "you are perfect, you can do everything so many of those people ask for your class to attend. However, unfoutunately, although they (students) really want me, the managers suck my blood and knowledge.

The World is unfair; it is very easy to blame on the earth; the lifeless thing but they are the people, human beings make the world like that; cruel, unfair, brutal.

Please dont think that i am complaing about my life but please  make empathy and try to understand me. My family gives me their support, they back me but they also expect something from their university graduated and working son yet i cannot back up them. This hurts me so much. \

Actually i dont wanna be a teacher at least in a primary school for not forgetting my second body, my second individual, my second language. I have to work at two jobs for earning good money for myself for my family and for... OF COURSE life life life life   but how PLS SOMEBODY says me how i am able to manage a good life ?

I am aware that i am the modern slave of the recent slavery system; capitalism and i can do nothing to change this situation

There are so many exams to hold LGS OSS YDS KPDS UDS KPSS and so on i have a diploma i have degree but i am not paid in the same rate despite the fact that i work hard and i am better than the old, jaded, disregarded teachers.

Anyway i do not wanna write my problems on life anymore, some good things are also happening in my life.

At last friday of the last week of my boring life in that uncertain world, i had my toefl exam, it was not so difficult  i mean it is as easy as solving a boring english exam i think if u give necessary importance you can easily pass this fucking exam but i have to add this information about toefl, the reading passages are really hard to solve if you do not know enough words. And now i am waiting a good remark.

Wait a minute guys, this exam marathone has not ended yet because i have UDS exam next week. PLS pray for me and yasemin. I really need a good job for both marrying and providing lifes to me and my family. IS the goverment job good of not enough but it is safe and makes you relax.

BYE BYE RAMAZAN NOT RAMADAN

Ramazan came and now it is going  like my poor lifetime but there is a difference it says its word " i am gonna come again" while my life is getting older day by day.

BYE BYE HAPPINESS bye BYE HEPINIZ

Here are some pics from my point of view

a winter view from Erzurum

My fish

the sun set

just before storm in Erzurum

i couldnt name it

nest style in mosgue

gercekten eski ama

hey gidi gunler

yerleske

my house in erzurum

istanbul

sweet memories

these are mine

a nut worker

nurayin dugunune giderken

Take care of yourself

This should not be the destiny of a woman. Now I am thinking that we are all human beings regardless of our "SEXUS" and we are all GOD`s creatures so  i wonder why societies have a "chain of being" against  woman`s rights? It must be very difficult being a woman in our or any societies!!!!!!

Oh my God pls think on that even if you are a educated girl or woman you almost have to behave like an housewife when you are in the nest. Of course, this situation doesnt work for everywoman but i cannot help myself not to think on this.

According to the religious beliefs woman are created from skeleton of man so patriarchal men may think that "you are a part of me you have to service me like my other parts". No No No i reject this.

Being a female in this world equals to be strong building or a safe shelter or a fort or the most important thing a mother; they can be mother, yes they can be mother and provide lifes the human race( i am not talking about the other creatures as they dont torture their partners).

No matter how hard their jobs are they can endure to be harassed and upon coming to house after a very tiring day at work, they dont stop working till they converge to bed. I appriciate you guys, you are great and awesome.

BUT I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT BESIDES ALL THESE GOOD AND NICE THINGS, EVERY INDIVIDUAL GIRL, FEMALE, DAUHGTER, WIFE, NIECE. WOMAN, AUNT, MOTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS, THEY HAVE A VERY STRONG WITCHES INSIDE OF THEM so you know the rest, no need to write. 

Hopeless, endless hopelessness

I dont know how much true this is;confessing my big mistakes here but i have to do this for revealing myself or trying to have a little rest. I am a GODdamn stupid . I cannot be successful on being happy and give harms to people who really love and care me. But, i dont blame anybody for anything because i have to bear the results of my own faults. Maybe no no not maybe most probably i will be alone on my fucking way. There is no cure for feeblemindedness so i am subjected to death by myself. This is very hard for me i am not able to imagine a life without you my fullmoon face sweety, but I think it is happening i dont even have one word i can do nothing for stopping this.

Some says; wishing is from devil i am learning what the experiences are day by day and it hurts so much

i HAVE a request from the ones who know me pls keep this with you i dont want my flower to know this.

Sick and Tired

I feel nothing but nothing

because of the nullity of dilemma

I AM SICK AND TIRED

To my wonderful and Adorable friend

APPERANCES ARE DECEPTIVE

Contemporary but not recognized philosopher ZIVA says that " The ones who just live and think the present have to be jealous of  the ones who care of the life and give importance to values"  

PLS THINK ON IT

I am JUST a big,clumsy and amateur

Which one WOULD YOU want to be? The girl whose life is danger or the bear that tries to keep its environment away from the most cruelest creature on the earth?

I just wanna go back to nature to listen myself.

I say that i am an amateur because i am in a dilemma and i am experiencing a dejavu. I think that i have already written all those things but i cannot properly remember.

NEW YORK NEW YORK

I finished my application  for you New York,

I made my mind  for you New York,

I wanna reach YOU New York,

I escape from me  for you New York.

Here is the chance to touch you again New York,

Here is the determination to desire you New York,

Here is the strong wisdom and struggle for you New York,

Here is the sounds that call me to you New York.

There it is; californication,

There they are; new yorkers,

There he is; highlanders in NC,

There she is; the liberty lady.

I wanna feel passion
I wanna keep my heart alive and full of hope
FOR YOU NEW YORK

FLOWERS JUST FLOWERS

The time goes on and i am still awake, i reject a unconscious life maybe because of my fear of  darkness. YES i confess it. I am afraid of darkness but there is something that is perfect for healing this; flowers, a bunch of flower.
Liriodendron tulpifera means Tulip(s) they are so beautiful but unfourtunately they dont live long. As human beauty they fade  like the sun setting down. So many people cannot handle this and they desire eternal beauty.
I Love flowers especially yellow, purple and the blue ones. what a beautiful and nice dream being in a very large flower garden. They remind me you my sweety. Like Yagmur says; to touch you, to touch your hands and fingers what i want. Flowers equal women who have hearts, if you dont pay attention they leave you.

What am i doing while trying to fix and arrange my life? Having spent so many years with would-be friends are in vain. What a pity for us. Poor MUAMMER

offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff ooooffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
This writing deserves this title because my life and friends shouldn`t be like that. I really want to call all my friends but just my real and sincere friends. I really wonder how many friends i have after the recent, latest event that happens. These people are thought to be friend but they are not they are almost foes. They cannot shut their mother fucker mouths up and make me crazy

I always want to be good and sincere to everybody. A man has to know himself and should predict his future. MAYBE You can criticise me  harshly because of these words and sentences but i believe in this; world would be a better place if the woman were not created. This is not totaly related to woman of course, men are stupid and idiot. they can do whatever woman wants without thinking its results. I really appreciate girls because they are aware of their irresistable power and they use it.They really know how to manage and how to direct men. HERE are the results of the men who are governed by women;  they both  sell their friends and behave as if nothing happened. they live carelessly. I dont wanna write anymore as this irritates me so much.

Today is also a very important day for me. I appiled for FLTA program to US embassy and asked for money for TOEFL exam and they gave  me a positive answer; yeah. The answer is YES YES YES but i have a really big problem. Do you wonder what it is? ......Then I registered for the exam at elts.com but here is the surprise" There is no vacant place IN ISTANBUL and i had to register for KOCAELI. Can you believe this? Here is the largest city of TURKEY and i cannot find one place for exam. Anyway it is not so important anymore because the important thing is the toefl exam and i have to be successful whereever i hold the exam.

From 8.00 pm to 9.30 pm I was at American Culture Association for my starter group`s first exam. it was easy . By the way i am still hungry because i only ate a cake and drunk a glass of tea at iftar hour.

I NEED TO COOK SOMETHING BUT I FEEL SO LAZY

the longing of old and nice days

Today i was sitting in the front of the computer
and looking old pictures,
Unlike everybody
erzurum has always been a place
which is missed by me. As all the things i owe
are from Erzurum; My life- My profession--
And MY WİFE TO BE

SIMDI GENE ÜŞÜYORUM,
SANMA Kİ SENSİN NEDEN.

ÇOK UZAKTAYIM,
ÖTELERDE KALDIM SEVDIGIMDEN

THE countdown is running
wait for me, wait for me, wait for me